Funny, Parenting, Parody

Beauty in to Beast

Like many little girls, Belle was always the Disney princess I aspired to be. Beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful, and kind. Let’s not forget that amazing dress and the fact she got her Prince Charming in the end (Well after a miraculous shave and a crash diet).

So did I turn out to be the beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful and kind Belle? In a word… no, although I’d like to think I’ve mastered the thoughtful and kind element. The other two aspects are very much debatable.

I didn’t get the big swishy dress, but one thing I did manage to do was bag my very own Beast Prince Charming, and I’m happy to report he has much less fur and less bitey teeth. He’s pretty crap at timekeeping and I’m relatively sure he has a mild to medium form of narcolepsy, but all of that aside he’s definitely a keeper.

Life is good, but bloody hell it’s hard and certainly not the fairytale I dreamt of as a young girl. That said I can’t help but wonder what Belle would have been like after she had been married to the Beast for five years with two little mini Beasts in tow.

img_0538
Disposing of poopy nappies was not the fairytale Disney princess life Belle expected

So in true Disney style below is my interpretation (with a bit of a Yorkshire twang) of Belle’s song with a more realistic angle. Feel free to sing along.

Belle:

Little house, in a quiet village

Every day like the one before

Little house full of whingey people

Waking up to say…

Little Beasts:

Mummy

Daddy

Mummy

Daddy

Mummy

Belle:

There goes the toddler waking up, like always

The same old whines and moans to yell

Every morning just the same

At 6am mini beasts came

To see a poor tired parents frown

Beast:

Good morning Belle

Belle:

Good morning Daddy, er I mean Beast

Beast:

Where are you off to?

Belle:

Aldi, I need to pick up some strong coffee, nappies, wipes, milk and bread.

Beast:

That’s nice. Can you get me some sandwich meats for lunch? LITTLE BEAST!! Stop poking me in the head

Townsfolk:

Look, there she goes

The lass is strange, no question

Dazed and distracted, can’t you tell?

Man:

Never part of any crowd

Woman:

Cause her head’s up on some cloud

No denying she’s a mummy now, that Belle

Man 1:

Ey up!

Woman 1:

Good day!

Man 1:

How is your family?

Woman 2:

Ey up!

Man 2:

Good day

Woman 2:

How is your wife?

Woman 3:

I need….a Greggs

Man 3:

That’s too expensive! *What Greggs?!

Belle:

There must be more than this abysmal* life!

*Ok so abysmal is a tad extreme but I was struggling to find something to rhyme

Man at the Library:

Ah, Belle

Belle:

Good morning. I’ve come to return the kids book I borrowed

Man at the Library:

Finished already?

Belle:

Yes I’ve read it to them at least a hundred times and they still aren’t bored yet. Please tell me you’ve got something else?

Man at the Library:

Not since yesterday

Belle:

That’s alright. Ok then we’ll borrow this one (After an argument with toddler over said book as it’s not the right colour or size)

Man at the Library:

That one? But you’ve read it twice!

Belle:

What Charlie Cooks Favourite Book? Yes it’s my favourite, I like doing all the voices; my pirate and knight are especially impressive.

Man at the Library:

Well if you like it all that much, it’s yours

Belle:

Really? What actually free? What’s the catch? I mean do you need my email address or something so you can constantly spam me?

Man at the Library:

No catch, I insist!

Belle:

Nice one, ta very muchly!

Townsfolk:

Look, there she goes, that lass is super human

I wonder if she’s feeling well

Men:

She seems a little snappy

Women:

Because her nose is in a nappy

Townsfolk:

She needs to be an octopus that Belle

Belle:

Ewwww…isn’t this disgusting?

It’s my least best part of being mummy

Here’s where I see the bogies

Crusting on my newly washed leggings

On both my knees!

Woman:

Now it’s a wonder why her name means “beauty”

Her looks are fuelled on Zinfandel

Shopkeeper:

But behind that zombie plod

I’m afraid she feels a fraud

Very distant from the rest of us

Group of mums:

She’s struggling like the rest of us

Yes, normal like the rest of us is Belle

The next part is traditionally sung by Gaston and Lefou, but for the purposes of this it shall be sang by the beast and Trevor (yes I totally made that up) his best friend. 

Trevor:

Wow you look knackered Beast. Are you tired?

Beast:

I know, yes I’m exhausted. I’m always working, the kids are non-stop and Belle does not stop nagging at me

Trevor:

Oh dear, it doesn’t sound like the fairytale it used to be

Beast:

I know I still really love her but she just seems to have lost her mojo

Trevor:

Does she not still have that flouncy gold dress?

Beast:

No she mostly lives in snot and food stained clothes and never wears matching bra and knickers.

Trevor:

But she was…

Beast:

The most beautiful girl in town? She was but now she has more hair on her legs than I ever did

Trevor:

That bad huh?

Beast:

Yes well since she had the kids I’ve been put to the bottom of the pile

Trevor:

Go on then tell me about it

Beast:

Right from the moment when the kids were born

The trouser kisses were just shelved

Although I must agree

She makes a nice hot tea

So I need to re-woo and de-hairy Belle

Group of mums:

Look Beast it’s hard to be a mummy

Hey Beast it’s hard to be a wife

Give her a chance, she feels like screaming

It’s not the perfect mummy kind of life!

Man 1:

Ey up

Beast:

My bad!

Man 2:

Good day

Man 3:

By heck!

Matron:

She’s shoving cake in

Woman 1:

You need some wipes!

Man 4:

Some nappies…

Woman 2:

…Two packs!

Man 4:

…Four pound..

Woman 1:

It’s real life

Beast:

There’s too much poo!!

Woman 2:

My head…

Man 5:

Those kids…..

Woman 2:

They’re cute

Man 5:

…They smell of hamsters

Belle:

There must be more than this abysmal* life!

*Once again, a bit harsh, and purely for rhyming slackness

Beast:

I’m so proud to call lovely Belle my wife! (Even if she does look a bit of a bugger and nags a lot)

Belle:

Life as a mum can be a little stressful

Often a challenge not to yell

I used to be quite slim

Pass the tonic and the gin

It’s super being a mummy

Bar the wobbly wibbly tummy

Yes I do love being a mummy…..it’s just swell! (Well most of the time)

And they all lived happishley ever after.

The End

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