Children, Comedy, Funny, Humour, Parenting

You Have to Laugh Tag

As a member of the SmileSquad I was tagged by the amazing folk at You Have to Laugh  into their new shiny #youhavetolaughtag. It’s all about being able to smile and have a laugh about the many trials and tribulations of parenting.

Here are my responses;

1) Fill in the gap: Before I had children I never …..

…imagined I would get asked so many questions or deal with as much poo before 7am.

2) What is the most annoying toy that your child owns or has owned and why?

Generally anything electronic bearing the words VTech. However, there is a particularly annoying cat shaped keyboard my son owns which makes me want to frantically rip my ears off.

3) Would you rather be covered in poo or covered in puke?

My logic tells me that if I were to be covered in poo then it would probably result in me also being covered in my own sick, whereas if I was covered in sick then I’d only be topping that up with further sick rather than a mix of both. It’s a lose lose situation quite frankly.

4) Is Peppa Pig more annoying than Postman Pat is bad at his job? Discuss.

I have a bit of a confession, I really like Peppa Pig, for one she keeps my son incredibly entertained and most importantly occupied. I also quite like the fact my son has a giant fairy Peppa Pig soft toy which drives his dad nuts “It’s pink and it’s got a bloody wand!” Shove your Transformers up your jaxy daddy this boy is in touch with his feminine side. Postman Pat on the other hand does irritate me, he’s fairly shoddy at his job and spends more time getting stuck in trees than actually delivering post.

5) What time constitutes a lie-in in your house now and how does this compare to your pre-child days?

7:00 – 7:30am is generally when the small people make their presence known. Usually by bouncing on us in bed or announcing loudly “It’s morning time” or “I need a wee”. If it’s a weekend we have been known to utilise the power that is Peppa Pig on the iPad for an extra half an hour or so.

6) What is your favourite swear word or swear word combo and when was the last time you used it?

I’m a bit like the Will Smith (without the rapping, acting or being a bloke) of blogging, I go easy on the swears, but if the occasion calls for it and it enhances the context then I may have a moment of potty mouth. Cockwomble. There we go.

7) Tell us your worst ever nappy or potty training experience.

Every nappy or potty training experience is the worst but the moment that will always be engraved on my mind is when both my sons (at the time 2 and new-born) both had well, shall we say particularly loose bottoms. I’ve never seen or had to ‘deal’ with quite as much brown stuff in my life. To make matters worse I decided to take them both out in the double buggy for some fresh air.  That would have been completely fine had I not forgotten the wipes and only realised this when I was too far from home…. ARGHHH! Cue one exploding toddler stood in the middle of a park with no toilets in sight. I had to use another nappy to clear up the mess whilst his brother screamed on the account of a separate explosion. It was stressful to say the least and there was a lot of washing put in the machine and wine consumed that night.

8) There is no electricity and won’t be for the next week. NONE. After eating the contents of the freezer (assuming you have a gas cooker) what the hell do you do with yourself?

If the electricity issue was only at my house then I would go to the gym / local pool a lot, not just for fitness but to utilise their warm showers. If the electricity issue was worldwide, I’d track down Bear Grylls and basically do what he tells me to.

9) If you didn’t need the money and didn’t have a little one what would you spend your days doing?

I would travel the world, drive a Mustang, eat/drink too much, dance a lot and relax. As much as I moan about the whinging constant questioning and lack of time for myself, I wouldn’t swap my life. I intend to do it all when I retire and the kids have flown the nest *sob* anyway.

10) If squirrels ruled the world, what do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages?

That’s just nuts!

Advantages:

  1. President Squirrel would have more brains and personality than the current president
  2. There’d be a lot of hidden things to find which would be quite fun, it’d be like an ongoing episode of Funhouse
  3. You could bribe them with nuts
  4. Who wouldn’t want to see a squirrel in a suit?

Disadvantages:

  1. You’d never be able to find your keys or most things for that matter
  2. Dentist bills would increase, have you seen their teeth?
  3. They’d ban words such as squirrelling as they would be derogatory terms
  4. Scrat would have a lot more competition for his nuts

11) If you could have anyone round for dinner, alive or dead, which 3 people would you choose? (NB – If you pick a dead person they would be alive during dinner – you wouldn’t just be dining with a corpse. That would be creepy)

Tom Hanks, Will Ferrell, and Will Smith. Amazing actors and all round lovely chaps. It would be a night of laughter, plenty of dancing to ‘Jump on It’, and lots of interesting tales to be told.

12) What is your favourite funny blog post ever (your own, or someone else’s)?

My favourite blog post ever has to be My Womb is a Squash and a Squeeze by Rhyming with Wine, it’s a parody of the well-known story A Squash and a Squeeze. What can I say about the amazing Dawn? She and her blog are absolutely bloody wonderful. She is the Julia Donaldson of the blogging world. Her posts are so cleverly put together and very relatable. Dawn is a real talent and most definitely someone to look out for. Clever, witty and hilarious, if you haven’t read her posts already then get over to her site (www.rhymingwithwine.com) right now and you’ll know what I mean. Did I mention we wrote a children’s book? Keep your eyes open for that one.

Lastly and purely to plug my own Blog I would say my best (and most recent) post is SuperKids which I also drew the illustrations for. I hope you like it.

So, there you have it, I hope you laughed.

Time for you to carry the baton;

Squidge and Boo

Educating Roversi

Grumblings of a SAHM

  • Copy and paste the twelve questions below into your own blog, or if you don’t have a blog, just do it on Facebook. Or the back of your bus ticket.
  • Answer them.
  • At the end of your post, tag at least 3 bloggers/friends who you’d like to fill out the #YouHaveToLaugh tag and let them know!
  • Add two of your very own questions and remove two that you don’t like as much from the original list – it’s all about evolution.
  • Use the badge code at the bottom of this post in your own post so that people can click to see this page and these rules!
  • Let us know when your post is up by tagging us on Twitter with #youhavetolaughtag at @youhave2laugh and we will retweet it. We’ll also link to it below in this very post so your answers could be seen by everyone else in the world who completes the tag! We could be talking literally  tens of people!

The questions:

  • 1) Fill in the gap: Before I had children I never …..
  • 2) What is the most annoying toy that your child owns or has owned and why?
  • 3) Would you rather be covered in poo or covered in puke?
  • 4) Is Peppa Pig more annoying than Postman Pat is bad at his job? Discuss.
  • 5) What’s the funniest question your child has asked you?
  • 6) What is your favourite swear word or swear word combo and when was the last time you used it?
  • 7) Tell us your worst ever nappy or potty training experience.
  • 8) What is the funniest thing that has happened to you as a parent?
  • 9) If you didn’t need the money and didn’t have a little one what would you spend your days doing?
  • 10) If squirrels ruled the world, what do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages?
  • 11) If you could have anyone round for dinner, alive or dead, which 3 people would you choose? (NB – If you pick a dead person they would be alive during dinner – you wouldn’t just be dining with a corpse. That would be creepy)
  • 12) What is your favourite funny blog post ever (your own, or someone else’s)?


 

Babies, Baby, Blogging, Children, Comedy, Daddy, Dads, Family, Funny, Living with Kids, Mom, Mommy, Mum, Mummy, Mummy Blogger, Mums, Parent, Parenting, Toddler, Toddlers, Uncategorized

SuperKids

 

If kids had superpowers, what would they be? Invisibility? Flight? Super strength? These would be the obvious assumptions; however, these are no ordinary superheroes.

Let me introduce you to the SuperKids.

Wonder Whinge

Wonder Whinge1As soon as she wakes up the primary noise she will expel is whinge. Whether she’s moaning about the fact she doesn’t want the blue top on as it doesn’t go with her knickers, or because you gave her a banana with the tiniest mark on it, she will whinge and whine until the cows come home. The noise itself can turn any relatively calm parent into a stressed short tempered individual. Whinge is the kryptonite to most parents.

DangerBoy

Dangerboy1

There’s no height too high for DangerBoy. He has zero fear and no matter how many times he’s told something is dangerous, he’ll continue. A regular visitor to the local A&E department and on first name terms with the doctors and nurses. His parents are quite sure they have a mark against their name. Injuries are merely war wounds and he will proudly show off these to any passer-by. DangerBoy is averse to the words ‘Be careful’.

SuperFuss

Superfuss

If it’s green SuperFuss wouldn’t touch it with a bargepole, however chips, sweets, and chocolate seem to go down well. She can sit at a table for hours if tested and is a seasoned pro at stand offs with anyone trying to get her to consume something she doesn’t want to. Occasionally she’ll decide she wants to eat something she refused to eat the previous day. This is what is known as a mind fuss.

Captain Poopy Pants

Captain PoopyPants1Don’t let his age, height, or small stature fool you, Captain Poopy Pants could put a wild brown bear to shame. He can produce vast amounts of the ‘brown stuff’ and will always catch you when you least expect it. His favourite time to declare ‘he’s got to go’ is usually just as his mum or dad are about to step out of the door when they’re already late or in a queue with a full shopping trolley. Captain Poopy Pants can ward any enemy off with his pungent aroma. Most certainly a carbon copy of his father, Daddy Poopy Pants.

Mega No

Mega No1It doesn’t matter what you ask of Mega No, her response will always be no. Would you like to help me put away all the toys you erratically exploded around the room? “NO!” Do you like green? “No! Would you like fish fingers and beans for tea? “No!” How about I give you a million pounds? “No!” There is literally no pleasing Mega No. Even when she knows she should probably say yes, her stubborn powers prevent her. The only way to catch her out is to start a question with “You wouldn’t mind if…” and end it with “…would you?”

King Question

King Question1There is no question King Question won’t ask. He will ask you “Why?” at least 500 times a day. His parents always vowed they’d never utter the words “Just because” or “That’s just how it is” but they’ve finally been broken and now consider Google a good friend. King Question has a knack of knowing exactly when to ask an awkward question, particularly in the public domain. Questions such as ‘Why is that man so big / in a wheelchair / wearing that / ugly’ can often leave his parents in a stuttering wreck whilst they attempt to respond most appropriate and politically correct way.

Move over Batman, the SuperKids are in town!

Do you have a SuperKid in your family?

Gem x

Like what you see? Please share and follow me on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram

Babies, Baby, Children, Family, Love, Mom, Mommy, Mum, Mummy, Mummy Blogger, Mums, Parent, Parenting, Toddler, Toddlers

A Mother’s Love is Never Ending

Mother, Mum, Mummy, Mom, Mommy, Ma, Mamma, Mammy, Momma. Whilst it sounds like I’m trying to do my best impression of Stewie Griffin from Family Guy, I’m simply just listing the many alternative names for the main woman in your life, or by the name you are possibly so regularly referred to as (and believe me it’s used to the max at times).

So what do we define as a mother? Someone who loves you and brings you up with affection and care from day dot, a person who has unconditional love for her child, a woman who will nurture and provide for her young? All of these are what you’d expect to be true, however some people out there may have a different view based on personal experience.

Sadly there are a number of babies born into a world without a loving family, which absolutely breaks my heart and I’m sure yours too. But luckily there are many amazing people out there, who whilst they might not have been through pregnancy, physical pain, or gas and air, they have given these children what they needed the most…love.

There are mums out there who beat themselves up on a regular basis for not being that ‘perfect’ Instagram mum they see feeding their child organic chicken and quinoa salad and a full boob of fresh breastmilk; for the fact they just shouted at their child for jumping on the sofa for the fiftieth time; or because they turned their back for a second and ended up in A&E. The term for this is mum guilt. Believe me I know. Regardless of these occasional mum guilt moments, they have given their children what they needed the most…love.

For the mums who sadly didn’t have enough chance or time with their babies/children, they have given and will continue to give them what they needed the most…love.

It matters not if they have or haven’t the same blood running through their veins, if they’re on Earth or in the clouds, a mother’s love is never ending.

Gem x

 

 

 

Blogging, Family, Humour, Mom, Mommy, Mum, Mummy, Mummy Blogger, Mums, Parent, Parenting, Toddler, Toddlers, Uncategorized

I’ve Lost That Blogging Feeling

I’ve lost that bloggin’ feelin’
Whoa, that bloggin’ feelin’
I’ve lost that bloggin’ feelin’
Now it’s gone, gone, gone, whoah 

Bring back that bloggin’ feelin’
Whoa, that bloggin’ feelin’
Bring back that bloggin’ feelin’
‘Cause it’s gone, gone, gone
And I can’t go on, whoah 

Ok so I can’t go on is a bit dramatic, I can go on, I just kept that line in for effect, and partially because my rhyming skills are pretty dire (I’ll leave that to my very talented and hilarious partner in rhyme (and cake) Rhyming with Wine). But yes, I have lost that blogging feeling. In all honesty I’ve never really considered myself as a ‘proper’ blogger and here’s why.

It all started out when I made a bit of a ‘boob’ of myself, and after receiving a backlash from a number of trolls (no not the ones with bright electric shock hair and squeaky voices. Although to be fair that would probably have been quite entertaining) I decided to tell my side of the tale, so I wrote Nobody’s Perfect.

Angry Troll

I’d never really understood the concept of a blog until I came across the very talented and funny Unmumsy Mum Sarah Turner. If you haven’t heard of her 1. What rock have you been under? and 2. Stop reading this shite immediately and order all her books from Amazon. What a bloody wonderful woman she is, someone not afraid to tell it how it really is, no sugar coated bullshit, just the truth and reality of what is parenting and life. So when I made my very own parental boo boo I wanted to share it amongst like minded people in the same boat. That boat capsized as a result, not something I had at all expected. Whilst there were horrible comments made, many tears shed and the evidence was clear, I was pretty dumb (and remain to be at times), I still have a lot to thank for making the ‘boob’. It brought me back the creativity I’d lost since having my two boys.

I’ve always loved writing, drawing, painting etc. but since becoming a mum it had to go to the bottom of the ‘things to do’ list, I was too busy milking myself like a cow; stuffing raisins into my kids mouths whilst attempting to get a few things from Aldi; trying not to make chicken nugget / pizza / fish finger teas every night (and often failing); and all done whilst attempting to be the good wife (my husband might refute this as ever been the case) I used to be before kids, but in reality I resembled a worn out, legging wearing, make up lacking, grump frump, with a bit of added nagging for good measure. I’d lost the one thing that made me, well, me.

Blogging is my new creative outlet, yes not quite the canvas and acrylic creativeness I used to have in the past, but somewhere for me to use my brain (don’t snigger) and imagination. I still don’t to this day have a clue what a SEO or a MOZ is, and part of me thinks if I do then I’m not really doing my blog for the right reasons, purely to gain followers. The reason I blog is because it helps me relax and get back to being me, and if people do read it, then I want them to laugh and smile. Now I’m going to get all quotey on you, from one of my favourite films Jerry Maguire

Dicky Fox – “If this [points to heart] is empty, this [points to head] doesn’t matter”.

Dicky Fox – Jerry Maguire

Mr Fox you are correct, if your heart is not in something then your mind isn’t either. That’s how I feel with blogging, if someone comes to me to ask me to write a blog about a tube of toothpaste, then I’m sorry but how the fudge do you expect me to write a piece about a bit of minty tasting sodium fluoride? Don’t get me wrong I like toothpaste as much as the next person, and if we didn’t have it we’d all look like Jeremy Kyle show guests, but I don’t love it enough to sell my soul and write about how it changed my life and made me feel on top of the world. Now I have been a little contradictory in all of this as I was asked by a company to write a blog about something I actually do enjoy, let’s for the sake of this blog call it belaxing for a natress company (I won’t go into great detail as I don’t want it to come back on me, but I’m sure you can figure out my crypticness). So I wrote it because I like to ‘belax’, and managed to write more about that than going into great detail about a ‘natress’ I’ve never even seen. After talking to my good blogger friend Dawn it would appear I had been ‘had’, as I never received anything for the post, I did it out the kindness (aka stupidness) of my own heart. So I feel I have to be very weary of this thing that is blogging especially when people are asking for your time (which is quite limited of late) and effort. There’s generally always a catch. On the other hand if L’oreal wanted me to dye my hair give me a makeover so I could flick it around in an advert I would happily oblige and declare it has changed my life. Yes I am that fickle, and also going grey, so a girls got to do what a girls got to do.

The other reason I’m feeling a bit wobbly about the whole blogging thing is on the back of a blogging conference I attended last year. I’m generally a very sociable and outgoing type of person, and I had visions of getting to London and being Mrs Social of East Social, Socialfield, instead I was more like Sister Bernadette from Call the Midwife. I’m not sure what happened but I lost any kind of confidence that I’d previously had on the train as myself and my good friend Dawn journeyed to London from up North like a couple of excited teenagers off to see Justin Beiber. I can only put it down to feeling completely out of my depth and the fact I feel a bit of a fraud. I don’t really get much chance to read other blogs unless I get a spare five minutes when the kids are sat gormless mouths open wide at Cbeebies, and that’s usually interrupted by “What can I eat now?”, “More duuucceee“, then once I’ve found said food or juice I’ve completely forgotten what I had previously been doing. I found it hard to spark up conversation with people because it’s a bit embarrassing when you probably follow every social platform of theirs but wouldn’t know them from Adam. But then that’s probably the point of these events? Must try harder next time, sorry guys. Luckily I did recognise the lovely Detrice Matthews who is the owner of a wonderful and heartfelt blog about her journey through breast cancer and beyond. I love her posts as they are real, straight from the heart, no bull, all genuine, and it gives you that warm feeling which usually results in me giving the kids a big bear hug. For me that’s what it’s all about, keeping it real.

Another person I recognised and really wanted to get the chance to speak was to was Sarah Turner (The Unmumsy Mum). I often say if I was to meet an idol (sorry I know that sounds so cheesy) I’d play it cool and be myself. I could not have been more fangirl if I’d have tried. I was so bloody nervous, the person who made me feel normal, less of a failure as a mum, the reason I posted the picture in the first place, and the one who inspired me to start the blog was stood right there in front of me, not only that she gave me a welcoming hug. I’d like to say I remembered our conversation but I was a little bit taken back by the whole experience. Sarah asked me how things were which would have been the perfect chance to have said something comedic and normal(ish), but no instead I just said “Yeah, you know motherhood and stuff, it’s a bit crazy. Sorry about my boobs by the way. I won’t get them out or anything“. Cue the awkward silence. If you’re reading this Sarah, I can only apologise for my David Brent style outburst. It would seem I didn’t really play it cool at all, I full on fell through the bar like Del Boy.

img_3540-2

With so many amazing bloggers out there such as Rhyming with Wine, Detrice Matthews, The Unmumsy Mum, Hurrah for Gin, Brummy Mummy of 2, Beta Mummy, Whinge Whinge Wine (I could go on forever), I find it hard to come up with new content, because why would I want to reiterate what someone else has already said in a much more entertaining and clever way than I ever could? I want to have that originality, and most importantly I need to enjoy it for me. If anyone else likes reading it, that’s a bonus and a bloody great one.

So whilst this is a bit of an affirmation for me (but more of a kick up the arse) I want other bloggers to remember what made them start blogging in the first place and why they love doing it. Don’t get caught up in how many followers you have, what rank you are on Tots 100, how many linkys you’ve joined, how many comments you’ve made etc. Do it for you, don’t let it stress you out, it shouldn’t feel like a chore, write because you want to, not because someone is telling you (unless it is your full time job, then as you are).

So I I’ve basically talked myself into sticking with it, and to try not lose that blogging feeling. I might only get one post out a month (if that), I probably won’t join up to any linkys, I may disappear from the social media world for a few days, and I will probably always be a WordPress.com blog link, but I’m good with that because I got that little bit of creative me back.

Gem x

Home

The Big Chill

There’s nothing more I like than to chill out, so I got in my comfies, grabbed a pen and notepad and here we are.

After the hustle and bustle of daily life relaxing is one of the best things to do, whether it’s sunbathing on a beach with a margarita in hand, or simply submerged in a steamy bubble bath with candles flickering.

Here’s my top five tips for chilling out:

1. Enjoy some quiet time

One of my favourite things to do once the kids have gone to bed is to just sit and listen to silence, absolute silence. Not a whinge or request for a biscuit to be heard. Ah bliss!

2. Have some electronic free time

We currently live in an age where phones are almost permanently attached to the owners being, whether it’s to scroll through aimless images of what your friend Barry has had for tea or to delete the 100th email about an amazing airport car parking deal. If you really can’t tear yourself away from your phone the iPhone has currently got a facility to turn on night mode which stops the screen from emitting the blue light which has been known to disrupt the sleep cycle. Although sometimes it’s just nice to put the phone/tablet/laptop/PlayStation down and enjoy your reality.

3. Write it down

If you’ve got a million and one thing’s floating round your head relaxing can be a very hard thing to do. Ever heard Psychologist types say ‘put it into a box‘? That’s exactly what you should do, although the ‘box‘ is a piece of paper. Writing down thoughts and ideas can almost immediately take the weight off. Once it’s down on a page, you can face it head on when the time is right and do what you need to do (once you’ve relaxed first of course).

4. Settle down with a good read

There’s nothing better than forgetting all your worries and submerging yourself into a completely new world. Books are amazing, you can be transported to a different world in an instant. One day you could be an undercover agent trying to discover the secrets of a corrupt government; a gifted 15 year old boy trying to discover the mystery of his neighbours dogs death; or a young star crossed lover whose family are at war, the possibilities are endless.

5. Invest in a good bed and bedding

As a Yorkshire lass I like nothing better than a bargain, however one thing I don’t have a problem spending a bit extra on is my bed. It’s estimated that the average person will spend approximately 25 years sleeping in their lifetime. That’s a fair bit of time to be spending in an uncomfortable bed. I love my sleep and I’d be surprised if most people didn’t say the same. My husband still has no idea what I’m saying when I bleet on about a high thread-count, but he sleeps like a baby as a result. However, the thing that ultimately matters is the mattress. I’ve spent many an uncomfortable night on a horrible spring mattress, and your body certainly doesn’t thank you for it the next day, or in the long run for that matter. Now I’m by no means a mattress expert so I shall leave that to Leesa and The Sweet Home to do in Kevin Purdy’s review. But having looked at Leesas page I can see why Which? Have said “This Best Buy is suitable for everyone and is one of the best mattresses we’ve tested in recent years.” It looks great, can be delivered free, and is fantastic value. Now there’s no excuse for a bad nights sleep again.

Right, I’m off to sit in silence, with no electronics, a clear head, and cosied up in my bed. Bon nuit

Gem x

Celebs, Christmas, Comedy, Film, Funny, Humour, Uncategorized

10 Reasons to be More Like Buddy the Elf

Buddy the Elf, what a guy! If the world had more Buddy’s in it, it would be a much better and entertaining place. So how can we be more like him?

1. He loves Christmas and all its magic

img_2892
Buddy (being an elf and all) is all about Christmas, there’s no time more magical. A festive season when you can eat chocolate for breakfast every morning (or in Buddy’s case syrup laden spaghetti with a sprinkling of Smarties).

2. He has a great vocabulary


You can always rely on Buddy to come out with a brilliant word or phrase. Cotton headed ninny muggings is pretty hard to beat.

3. He gives a lot of compliments 

“I think you’re really beautiful and I feel really warm when I’m around you and my tongue swells up”

img_2889

Everyone loves a compliment, and Buddy is never  short of one. It’s such a simple thing to do, and just like Debs it can make someone’s day. Go on give someone one today (a compliment you filthy minded people).

4. He’s a bit naive and innocent 

“You did it! Congratulations! ‘World’s Best Cup of Coffee.’ Great job, everybody. It’s great to meet you”

Whilst being completely naive and innocent isn’t always the best way to be, Buddy sees most things in a very positive and literal way. Something we could all do from time to time (unless your names Joey Essex then you already do).

5. He loves to sing (even if he is a bit off-key at times)

img_2883
One lesson Buddy has taught us is that the best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear. Go on get your sing on even if it takes a few Proseccos and sherries to get you going.

6. He’s not afraid of hard work

He might have only managed to build 85 Etch-A-Sketchers, but it’s 85 more than you or I could build. He’s a dab hand at making toys, even if he does wreck his fathers wooden desk in the process.

7. He’s easily impressed

“Have you seen these toilets? They’re GINORMOUS!”

Whilst the man in the Empire State buildings lift probably wasn’t impressed with having to stop at 102 floors, Buddy saw the beauty in the pretty lights. Every time you use a lift now, you’ll probably have the urge to do the same.

“It looks like a Christmas tree”

He also got excited about the fact he’d seen a dog.

“So, good news – I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog?”

Sometimes we’re so busy looking at the bigger picture we miss the small things that really matter. We should probably be impressed with the simpler things just like Buddy.

8. He doesn’t take life too seriously

Whether it’s spinning around in a rotating door until you vom, or busting out your best dancing moves to Jump Around in a dingy post room, letting your hair down at times is just the right medicine. *Please Note* Drinking ‘syrup’ and dancing on tables during work hours may cause you to lose your job.

9. He has impeccable telephone answering skills

img_2880

He answers the phone in a very clear and positive tone, taking interest in the caller, and all done with a smile.  Something a lot of customer services advisors could do with putting into practice.

10. He just loves to smile

img_2877
There’s nothing more infectious and welcoming than a smile, and Buddy has got it down to a tea. Although remember there’s a fine line between looking generally friendly or a complete lunatic.

Buddy the Elf is the balls and no Christmas is complete without him.

Merry Christmas, and don’t forget…

never-1
Gem x

Celebs, Comedy, Disney, Fairytale, Film, Food, Funny, Humour, Smiling, The Little Mermaid, Uncategorized, Yorkshire

An Ode to Yorkshire – Nowt Like a Tea (Little Mermaid Style)

Yorkshire, a bloody wonderful place where people eat tea instead of dinner; say “Morning” “How do!”, and “Alright” to complete strangers; often use words like ‘fettle’, ‘mardy bum’ and ‘bugger lugs’; regularly say a rude four letter word beginning with c and ending with t when they’re actually saying ‘couldn’t (you know the one); a region so wonderful even France wanted a piece, which then laid the way to Tour de Yorkshire; a place called home to many a wonderful folk such as Dame Judi Dench, Sir Patrick Stewart, Jessica Ennis, Nicola Adams, Leigh Francis (proper bo I tell thee!), Brian Blessed, Dickie Bird, Mel B, David Hockney, Jarvis Cocker, Sir Ben Kingsley, Michael Palin, Jeremy Clarkson, Vic Reeves, Ernie Wise,  Corrine Bailey Rae, The Kaiser Chiefs, Def Leppard, the list is endless. Basically Yorkshire is the balls, or in Yorkshire terminology ‘the dogs danglies’.

So in true Colleyswobbles style another one of our favourite Disney classics has been re-adjusted for your entertainment. Imagine Ariel and Sebastian we’re from good old Yorkshire. Ariel is tempted to move down South, but proud Yorkshire lad Sebastian (let’s call him Bazza in that case) has some advice for her as follows;

(To be sang in the style of Under the Sea, YouTube it if you need a reminder)

Ariel down South, it’s a mess. Life in Yorkshire is better than owt they got down there.

Sean Bean is always keener
Suppin’ his tea with cake
You dream about going yonder
But that’s just a big mistake
Just look at the folk around you
Right here in God’s Country
Such wonderful things surround you
Nowt like it, it’s all for thee

Nowt like a tea
Or Wensleydale Cheese
Petal it’s better
Up where it’s wetter
Take it from me
Up on the Moor we stroll all day
Down South, they on tubes drinking latte
There’s no time for joking
We’re full time devoting
To suppin’ tea

The beer is always dearer
Pay thirty quid for steak
You dream about going down there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the deals around you
Right here on your front door
Aye wonderful things surround you
What more are you looking for?

Nowt like a tea
Or Wensleydale Cheese
What is ricotta?
Wensleydale it’s not(ta)
And don’t give me Brie
Up on the Moor we stroll all day
Down South, they on tubes drinking latte
There’s no time for joking
We’re full time devoting
To suppin’ tea

Up here all the folk are ‘appy
As ‘appy as pigs in muck
With places like Fountains Abbey
Us chaps are just blessed with luck
With food like the Yorkshire Pudding
Piled onto an empty plate
A portion of Rhubarb crumble
No finer food can be ate

Nowt like a tea
Nowt like a tea
Nobody beats us
Try us and meet us
In Whitby Quay
In Yorkshire born was Captain Cook
Them Brontes wrote a reet good book
Nowt ‘ere’s worth fretting
No point regretting

Just ‘ave some tea (Just ‘ave some tea)
Nowt like a tea (Nowt like a tea)

Since life is sweet here
We doin’ reet here
Naturally (Naturally)
Even the straight folk and the gay
Drink beer in the pub on Friday
Go watch the cricket
Run down a snicket
For chippy tea

We folk are happy come what may
We got the spirit
You got to hear it
We bloody love tea!

In Hull it’s never dull
They’re friendly in Emley
Spend yer brass in Cas
They’re smiley in Filey
Eat Stilton in Bilton
Get shakey in Wakey
Do Otley dressed as broccoli (Yeah)

Nowt like a tea
Or Wensleydale Cheese
Petal it’s better
Up where it’s wetter
Take it from me
Up on the Moor we stroll all day
Down South, they on tubes drinking latte
There’s no time for joking
We’re full time devoting
To suppin’ tea

Nowt like a tea (Nowt like a tea)
Nowt like a tea (Nowt like a tea)
We got good cuisine
Our curries are mean
I’m sure you’ll agree
We got the lot, a lot of land
Yorkshire it’s bloody grand

We like our beer here
We’re full of cheer here
We love our tea

We like a flat cap here
We eat our snap here
We love our tea

Walk through the Dales here
Sup lots of Ales here

That’s why it’s better
Up where it’s wetter

Aye we in luck here
Up in the muck here
Drinking our Tea

So there you have it, and ode to the best place on earth, Yorkshire.

Cheers

Gem x