Children, Comedy, Funny, Humour, Parenting

You Have to Laugh Tag

As a member of the SmileSquad I was tagged by the amazing folk at You Have to Laugh  into their new shiny #youhavetolaughtag. It’s all about being able to smile and have a laugh about the many trials and tribulations of parenting.

Here are my responses;

1) Fill in the gap: Before I had children I never …..

…imagined I would get asked so many questions or deal with as much poo before 7am.

2) What is the most annoying toy that your child owns or has owned and why?

Generally anything electronic bearing the words VTech. However, there is a particularly annoying cat shaped keyboard my son owns which makes me want to frantically rip my ears off.

3) Would you rather be covered in poo or covered in puke?

My logic tells me that if I were to be covered in poo then it would probably result in me also being covered in my own sick, whereas if I was covered in sick then I’d only be topping that up with further sick rather than a mix of both. It’s a lose lose situation quite frankly.

4) Is Peppa Pig more annoying than Postman Pat is bad at his job? Discuss.

I have a bit of a confession, I really like Peppa Pig, for one she keeps my son incredibly entertained and most importantly occupied. I also quite like the fact my son has a giant fairy Peppa Pig soft toy which drives his dad nuts “It’s pink and it’s got a bloody wand!” Shove your Transformers up your jaxy daddy this boy is in touch with his feminine side. Postman Pat on the other hand does irritate me, he’s fairly shoddy at his job and spends more time getting stuck in trees than actually delivering post.

5) What time constitutes a lie-in in your house now and how does this compare to your pre-child days?

7:00 – 7:30am is generally when the small people make their presence known. Usually by bouncing on us in bed or announcing loudly “It’s morning time” or “I need a wee”. If it’s a weekend we have been known to utilise the power that is Peppa Pig on the iPad for an extra half an hour or so.

6) What is your favourite swear word or swear word combo and when was the last time you used it?

I’m a bit like the Will Smith (without the rapping, acting or being a bloke) of blogging, I go easy on the swears, but if the occasion calls for it and it enhances the context then I may have a moment of potty mouth. Cockwomble. There we go.

7) Tell us your worst ever nappy or potty training experience.

Every nappy or potty training experience is the worst but the moment that will always be engraved on my mind is when both my sons (at the time 2 and new-born) both had well, shall we say particularly loose bottoms. I’ve never seen or had to ‘deal’ with quite as much brown stuff in my life. To make matters worse I decided to take them both out in the double buggy for some fresh air.  That would have been completely fine had I not forgotten the wipes and only realised this when I was too far from home…. ARGHHH! Cue one exploding toddler stood in the middle of a park with no toilets in sight. I had to use another nappy to clear up the mess whilst his brother screamed on the account of a separate explosion. It was stressful to say the least and there was a lot of washing put in the machine and wine consumed that night.

8) There is no electricity and won’t be for the next week. NONE. After eating the contents of the freezer (assuming you have a gas cooker) what the hell do you do with yourself?

If the electricity issue was only at my house then I would go to the gym / local pool a lot, not just for fitness but to utilise their warm showers. If the electricity issue was worldwide, I’d track down Bear Grylls and basically do what he tells me to.

9) If you didn’t need the money and didn’t have a little one what would you spend your days doing?

I would travel the world, drive a Mustang, eat/drink too much, dance a lot and relax. As much as I moan about the whinging constant questioning and lack of time for myself, I wouldn’t swap my life. I intend to do it all when I retire and the kids have flown the nest *sob* anyway.

10) If squirrels ruled the world, what do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages?

That’s just nuts!

Advantages:

  1. President Squirrel would have more brains and personality than the current president
  2. There’d be a lot of hidden things to find which would be quite fun, it’d be like an ongoing episode of Funhouse
  3. You could bribe them with nuts
  4. Who wouldn’t want to see a squirrel in a suit?

Disadvantages:

  1. You’d never be able to find your keys or most things for that matter
  2. Dentist bills would increase, have you seen their teeth?
  3. They’d ban words such as squirrelling as they would be derogatory terms
  4. Scrat would have a lot more competition for his nuts

11) If you could have anyone round for dinner, alive or dead, which 3 people would you choose? (NB – If you pick a dead person they would be alive during dinner – you wouldn’t just be dining with a corpse. That would be creepy)

Tom Hanks, Will Ferrell, and Will Smith. Amazing actors and all round lovely chaps. It would be a night of laughter, plenty of dancing to ‘Jump on It’, and lots of interesting tales to be told.

12) What is your favourite funny blog post ever (your own, or someone else’s)?

My favourite blog post ever has to be My Womb is a Squash and a Squeeze by Rhyming with Wine, it’s a parody of the well-known story A Squash and a Squeeze. What can I say about the amazing Dawn? She and her blog are absolutely bloody wonderful. She is the Julia Donaldson of the blogging world. Her posts are so cleverly put together and very relatable. Dawn is a real talent and most definitely someone to look out for. Clever, witty and hilarious, if you haven’t read her posts already then get over to her site (www.rhymingwithwine.com) right now and you’ll know what I mean. Did I mention we wrote a children’s book? Keep your eyes open for that one.

Lastly and purely to plug my own Blog I would say my best (and most recent) post is SuperKids which I also drew the illustrations for. I hope you like it.

So, there you have it, I hope you laughed.

Time for you to carry the baton;

Squidge and Boo

Educating Roversi

Grumblings of a SAHM

  • Copy and paste the twelve questions below into your own blog, or if you don’t have a blog, just do it on Facebook. Or the back of your bus ticket.
  • Answer them.
  • At the end of your post, tag at least 3 bloggers/friends who you’d like to fill out the #YouHaveToLaugh tag and let them know!
  • Add two of your very own questions and remove two that you don’t like as much from the original list – it’s all about evolution.
  • Use the badge code at the bottom of this post in your own post so that people can click to see this page and these rules!
  • Let us know when your post is up by tagging us on Twitter with #youhavetolaughtag at @youhave2laugh and we will retweet it. We’ll also link to it below in this very post so your answers could be seen by everyone else in the world who completes the tag! We could be talking literally  tens of people!

The questions:

  • 1) Fill in the gap: Before I had children I never …..
  • 2) What is the most annoying toy that your child owns or has owned and why?
  • 3) Would you rather be covered in poo or covered in puke?
  • 4) Is Peppa Pig more annoying than Postman Pat is bad at his job? Discuss.
  • 5) What’s the funniest question your child has asked you?
  • 6) What is your favourite swear word or swear word combo and when was the last time you used it?
  • 7) Tell us your worst ever nappy or potty training experience.
  • 8) What is the funniest thing that has happened to you as a parent?
  • 9) If you didn’t need the money and didn’t have a little one what would you spend your days doing?
  • 10) If squirrels ruled the world, what do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages?
  • 11) If you could have anyone round for dinner, alive or dead, which 3 people would you choose? (NB – If you pick a dead person they would be alive during dinner – you wouldn’t just be dining with a corpse. That would be creepy)
  • 12) What is your favourite funny blog post ever (your own, or someone else’s)?


 

Babies, Baby, Blogging, Children, Comedy, Daddy, Dads, Family, Funny, Living with Kids, Mom, Mommy, Mum, Mummy, Mummy Blogger, Mums, Parent, Parenting, Toddler, Toddlers, Uncategorized

SuperKids

 

If kids had superpowers, what would they be? Invisibility? Flight? Super strength? These would be the obvious assumptions; however, these are no ordinary superheroes.

Let me introduce you to the SuperKids.

Wonder Whinge

Wonder Whinge1As soon as she wakes up the primary noise she will expel is whinge. Whether she’s moaning about the fact she doesn’t want the blue top on as it doesn’t go with her knickers, or because you gave her a banana with the tiniest mark on it, she will whinge and whine until the cows come home. The noise itself can turn any relatively calm parent into a stressed short tempered individual. Whinge is the kryptonite to most parents.

DangerBoy

Dangerboy1

There’s no height too high for DangerBoy. He has zero fear and no matter how many times he’s told something is dangerous, he’ll continue. A regular visitor to the local A&E department and on first name terms with the doctors and nurses. His parents are quite sure they have a mark against their name. Injuries are merely war wounds and he will proudly show off these to any passer-by. DangerBoy is averse to the words ‘Be careful’.

SuperFuss

Superfuss

If it’s green SuperFuss wouldn’t touch it with a bargepole, however chips, sweets, and chocolate seem to go down well. She can sit at a table for hours if tested and is a seasoned pro at stand offs with anyone trying to get her to consume something she doesn’t want to. Occasionally she’ll decide she wants to eat something she refused to eat the previous day. This is what is known as a mind fuss.

Captain Poopy Pants

Captain PoopyPants1Don’t let his age, height, or small stature fool you, Captain Poopy Pants could put a wild brown bear to shame. He can produce vast amounts of the ‘brown stuff’ and will always catch you when you least expect it. His favourite time to declare ‘he’s got to go’ is usually just as his mum or dad are about to step out of the door when they’re already late or in a queue with a full shopping trolley. Captain Poopy Pants can ward any enemy off with his pungent aroma. Most certainly a carbon copy of his father, Daddy Poopy Pants.

Mega No

Mega No1It doesn’t matter what you ask of Mega No, her response will always be no. Would you like to help me put away all the toys you erratically exploded around the room? “NO!” Do you like green? “No! Would you like fish fingers and beans for tea? “No!” How about I give you a million pounds? “No!” There is literally no pleasing Mega No. Even when she knows she should probably say yes, her stubborn powers prevent her. The only way to catch her out is to start a question with “You wouldn’t mind if…” and end it with “…would you?”

King Question

King Question1There is no question King Question won’t ask. He will ask you “Why?” at least 500 times a day. His parents always vowed they’d never utter the words “Just because” or “That’s just how it is” but they’ve finally been broken and now consider Google a good friend. King Question has a knack of knowing exactly when to ask an awkward question, particularly in the public domain. Questions such as ‘Why is that man so big / in a wheelchair / wearing that / ugly’ can often leave his parents in a stuttering wreck whilst they attempt to respond most appropriate and politically correct way.

Move over Batman, the SuperKids are in town!

Do you have a SuperKid in your family?

Gem x

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Celebs, Christmas, Comedy, Film, Funny, Humour, Uncategorized

10 Reasons to be More Like Buddy the Elf

Buddy the Elf, what a guy! If the world had more Buddy’s in it, it would be a much better and entertaining place. So how can we be more like him?

1. He loves Christmas and all its magic

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Buddy (being an elf and all) is all about Christmas, there’s no time more magical. A festive season when you can eat chocolate for breakfast every morning (or in Buddy’s case syrup laden spaghetti with a sprinkling of Smarties).

2. He has a great vocabulary


You can always rely on Buddy to come out with a brilliant word or phrase. Cotton headed ninny muggings is pretty hard to beat.

3. He gives a lot of compliments 

“I think you’re really beautiful and I feel really warm when I’m around you and my tongue swells up”

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Everyone loves a compliment, and Buddy is never  short of one. It’s such a simple thing to do, and just like Debs it can make someone’s day. Go on give someone one today (a compliment you filthy minded people).

4. He’s a bit naive and innocent 

“You did it! Congratulations! ‘World’s Best Cup of Coffee.’ Great job, everybody. It’s great to meet you”

Whilst being completely naive and innocent isn’t always the best way to be, Buddy sees most things in a very positive and literal way. Something we could all do from time to time (unless your names Joey Essex then you already do).

5. He loves to sing (even if he is a bit off-key at times)

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One lesson Buddy has taught us is that the best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear. Go on get your sing on even if it takes a few Proseccos and sherries to get you going.

6. He’s not afraid of hard work

He might have only managed to build 85 Etch-A-Sketchers, but it’s 85 more than you or I could build. He’s a dab hand at making toys, even if he does wreck his fathers wooden desk in the process.

7. He’s easily impressed

“Have you seen these toilets? They’re GINORMOUS!”

Whilst the man in the Empire State buildings lift probably wasn’t impressed with having to stop at 102 floors, Buddy saw the beauty in the pretty lights. Every time you use a lift now, you’ll probably have the urge to do the same.

“It looks like a Christmas tree”

He also got excited about the fact he’d seen a dog.

“So, good news – I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog?”

Sometimes we’re so busy looking at the bigger picture we miss the small things that really matter. We should probably be impressed with the simpler things just like Buddy.

8. He doesn’t take life too seriously

Whether it’s spinning around in a rotating door until you vom, or busting out your best dancing moves to Jump Around in a dingy post room, letting your hair down at times is just the right medicine. *Please Note* Drinking ‘syrup’ and dancing on tables during work hours may cause you to lose your job.

9. He has impeccable telephone answering skills

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He answers the phone in a very clear and positive tone, taking interest in the caller, and all done with a smile.  Something a lot of customer services advisors could do with putting into practice.

10. He just loves to smile

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There’s nothing more infectious and welcoming than a smile, and Buddy has got it down to a tea. Although remember there’s a fine line between looking generally friendly or a complete lunatic.

Buddy the Elf is the balls and no Christmas is complete without him.

Merry Christmas, and don’t forget…

never-1
Gem x

Celebs, Comedy, Disney, Fairytale, Film, Food, Funny, Humour, Smiling, The Little Mermaid, Uncategorized, Yorkshire

An Ode to Yorkshire – Nowt Like a Tea (Little Mermaid Style)

Yorkshire, a bloody wonderful place where people eat tea instead of dinner; say “Morning” “How do!”, and “Alright” to complete strangers; often use words like ‘fettle’, ‘mardy bum’ and ‘bugger lugs’; regularly say a rude four letter word beginning with c and ending with t when they’re actually saying ‘couldn’t (you know the one); a region so wonderful even France wanted a piece, which then laid the way to Tour de Yorkshire; a place called home to many a wonderful folk such as Dame Judi Dench, Sir Patrick Stewart, Jessica Ennis, Nicola Adams, Leigh Francis (proper bo I tell thee!), Brian Blessed, Dickie Bird, Mel B, David Hockney, Jarvis Cocker, Sir Ben Kingsley, Michael Palin, Jeremy Clarkson, Vic Reeves, Ernie Wise,  Corrine Bailey Rae, The Kaiser Chiefs, Def Leppard, the list is endless. Basically Yorkshire is the balls, or in Yorkshire terminology ‘the dogs danglies’.

So in true Colleyswobbles style another one of our favourite Disney classics has been re-adjusted for your entertainment. Imagine Ariel and Sebastian we’re from good old Yorkshire. Ariel is tempted to move down South, but proud Yorkshire lad Sebastian (let’s call him Bazza in that case) has some advice for her as follows;

(To be sang in the style of Under the Sea, YouTube it if you need a reminder)

Ariel down South, it’s a mess. Life in Yorkshire is better than owt they got down there.

Sean Bean is always keener
Suppin’ his tea with cake
You dream about going yonder
But that’s just a big mistake
Just look at the folk around you
Right here in God’s Country
Such wonderful things surround you
Nowt like it, it’s all for thee

Nowt like a tea
Or Wensleydale Cheese
Petal it’s better
Up where it’s wetter
Take it from me
Up on the Moor we stroll all day
Down South, they on tubes drinking latte
There’s no time for joking
We’re full time devoting
To suppin’ tea

The beer is always dearer
Pay thirty quid for steak
You dream about going down there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the deals around you
Right here on your front door
Aye wonderful things surround you
What more are you looking for?

Nowt like a tea
Or Wensleydale Cheese
What is ricotta?
Wensleydale it’s not(ta)
And don’t give me Brie
Up on the Moor we stroll all day
Down South, they on tubes drinking latte
There’s no time for joking
We’re full time devoting
To suppin’ tea

Up here all the folk are ‘appy
As ‘appy as pigs in muck
With places like Fountains Abbey
Us chaps are just blessed with luck
With food like the Yorkshire Pudding
Piled onto an empty plate
A portion of Rhubarb crumble
No finer food can be ate

Nowt like a tea
Nowt like a tea
Nobody beats us
Try us and meet us
In Whitby Quay
In Yorkshire born was Captain Cook
Them Brontes wrote a reet good book
Nowt ‘ere’s worth fretting
No point regretting

Just ‘ave some tea (Just ‘ave some tea)
Nowt like a tea (Nowt like a tea)

Since life is sweet here
We doin’ reet here
Naturally (Naturally)
Even the straight folk and the gay
Drink beer in the pub on Friday
Go watch the cricket
Run down a snicket
For chippy tea

We folk are happy come what may
We got the spirit
You got to hear it
We bloody love tea!

In Hull it’s never dull
They’re friendly in Emley
Spend yer brass in Cas
They’re smiley in Filey
Eat Stilton in Bilton
Get shakey in Wakey
Do Otley dressed as broccoli (Yeah)

Nowt like a tea
Or Wensleydale Cheese
Petal it’s better
Up where it’s wetter
Take it from me
Up on the Moor we stroll all day
Down South, they on tubes drinking latte
There’s no time for joking
We’re full time devoting
To suppin’ tea

Nowt like a tea (Nowt like a tea)
Nowt like a tea (Nowt like a tea)
We got good cuisine
Our curries are mean
I’m sure you’ll agree
We got the lot, a lot of land
Yorkshire it’s bloody grand

We like our beer here
We’re full of cheer here
We love our tea

We like a flat cap here
We eat our snap here
We love our tea

Walk through the Dales here
Sup lots of Ales here

That’s why it’s better
Up where it’s wetter

Aye we in luck here
Up in the muck here
Drinking our Tea

So there you have it, and ode to the best place on earth, Yorkshire.

Cheers

Gem x

Babies, Baby, Children, Comedy, Daddy, Dads, Family, Funny, Home, Housekeeping, Housewife, Humour, Living with Kids, Mom, Mommy, Mum, Mummy, Mummy Blogger, Mums, Parent, Parenting, Toddler, Toddlers, Uncategorized

Tot Trumps

The title may have led you to believe this is about little people parps; well you can take a sigh of relief as this is not the case (in all honesty I’m not really convinced that would make a great read anyway).

So what do I mean by Tot Trumps? Well you may be familiar with Top Trumps, if not I shall let Wikipedia give you a quick brief;

“Top Trumps is a card game published in 1968. Each card contains a list of numerical data, and the aim of the game is to compare these values to try to trump and win an opponent’s card”Source, Wikipedia

Tot Trumps is exactly the same the only difference is that it relates to all things baby, toddlers, mums and dads.

Baby Vs Toddler Trumps

speed-of-eating-60amount-of-poo-produced-75whinge-level-30questions-asked-0

Speed of eating – Baby 60 / Toddler 20

Once babies have got the gist of the wonder that is food there’s no stopping them, they can’t ram the stuff in quick enough. Granted some of the food doesn’t actually go in their mouths, but they’re trying their best to try all of those new textures and flavours. In stark contrast a toddler, a now esteemed pro, well ish, at food can give a tortoise a run for their money at taking forever to eat their chuffing food. Never before have the words ‘Eat your food’ need to be repeated on such an epic scale, and usually on a morning when you’re rushing to get ready for work.

Poo produced – Baby 75 / Toddler 65

It’s a well known fact that babies and toddlers can produce a fair bit of poo. How such small individuals can produce a dump the abominable snowman would be proud of, I’ll never know. But babies definitely win this round hands down. Their actual amount of bum nuggets may be lesser than that of a toddler, but the impact and explosion factor more than make up for it. When you physically have to cut a baby grow off your tiny child because they’ve formed a blast which could put Hiroshima to shame, the poo to child size ratio definitely outweighs that of a toddlers. When you’ve changed nine nappies before you’ve even stepped out of the door, you know they’re in with a good chance of winning the ‘Shit Machine of the Year Award’.

Whinge level – Baby 30 / Toddler 85

Babies haven’t really mastered the art of whinge, they generally cry more than whinge, but once they hit toddler/threenager age the whinge level is turned to full pelt, and boy do we know about it. What does whinge sound like? Think of Janice from Friends laugh, then times it by 20 and repeat at least 30 times a day. Now that’s annoying, painfully annoying. “I don’t want to eat off that plaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttteeeeeeee, it’s pink, waaaaahhhhhhhhh”; “It’s raining!!Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh!”; “I don’t want a baaaaaaaaaaatttthhhhhh!”; “I don’t want to wear those shooooooeeeeeeessssss!”. If the government bottled enough whinge they could have a serious defence weapon on their hands, parents all around the country would be raking it in. In reality whinge has no effective use other than being seriously fudging annoying.

Questions asked – Baby 0 / Toddler 99

Once again toddlers win this hands down. When they’re not asking a question they are thinking about their next question. If they are unable to think of anymore (as rare as a lunar eclipse) they turn to the trusty filler phrase we all know too well – “Mummmmyyyyy?” / “Daddddddyyyy?” Once those words leave their mouths we know in t-minus 3 seconds there’s going to be a “Can I have a biscuit?”, “Why do cows moo?”, “Can a cat and a dog have babies together?”, “Why is grass green?. We feel the panic, the pressure not to give them a bullshit answer and definitely not the “Just because…” answer (although after the 100th, ok then 50th question of the day this is a completely acceptable response). Google has possibly made most of its earnings based on panicked parents around the world. This is further proven by the fact if you type ‘Why’ in the search box; the first question to come up is ‘Why is the sky blue?’ now that has quizzed and unsure parent written all over it.

Mummy Vs Daddy Trumps

Copy of Speed of eating 60Amount of poo produced 75Whinge level 30Questions asked 0.png

Time to self – Mummy 20 / Daddy 60

What is this time to self thing? It sounds delightful. Once children arrive on the scene time to oneself is, well…limited.  A once very private visit to the porcelain throne is now a social gathering where the kids continuously fetch their detached toy car wheels, dried up Playdoh and usually the loudest VTech toy they can muster for your viewing ‘pleasure’; A hot cup of tea once leisurely sipped whilst relaxing on the sofa watching back to back episodes of ‘Masterchef’ is soon replaced by lukewarm tea drunk in between changing nappies, picking up toys, and watching ‘I Can Cook’. Its official the ‘time to self’ moments for a mummy are not exactly relaxing. During the very the rare moment when the kids nap (after a well deserved fist pump) do mums relax? Nope they do jobs, think washing the car, cleaning the house, painting, jet washing the patio, making the tea, scraping crusty Weetabix off the floor/chair/table etc. It’s a fact that some of us actually go to work for a break, the chance to drink a hot cup of tea and to have a wee in private, ah bliss. So where does Daddy time to self come into this? Well perhaps I should have called this Trump ‘Time spent on the toilet’ (No pun intended). Somehow Daddy’s toilet time is sacred and long, oh so bloody long. Seriously who takes that long to take a dump? In reality I think probably 30% is pooping time and 70% is faffing on phone time, but who can blame them, we all have to have our little pleasures when we can manage to grab them. It’s a fact, daddies can hands down beat baby and toddler in the pooping stakes.

Showers taken – Mummy 40 / Daddy 70

One of the most frustrating things a mum can experience is when Daddy walks in after a day at work and declares “I’m just off for a shower”, all made worse by the fact that mummy has spent all day at home with the kids and has had zero opportunity to get a clean (making a third day Glastonbury reveller look pristine). Poor mum has been waiting all day for that special Timote moment, yet he waltzes in clearly not picking up on the fact flies are now circling her. All to be made worse by the fact he’s going to spend at least 45 long minutes ‘having a poo’ before his rather lengthy shower *Rolls eyes*

Gym membership usage – Mummy 25 / Daddy 75

Happy Days, Cheeky Monkeys, Rascals just a few names of ‘Gyms’ this mummy has stepped into recently. These gyms don’t harbour the weightlifter’s, protein shake drinkers, and the lycra clad toned crew you’d normally associate with the gym, no these contain tired looking parents watching on whilst their children run around and swing on various items like chimps. The closest thing to exercise is the parent squat, ‘sit down to a drink of tea, stand up to go save child dangling from the top of the climbing frame, sit down to have a sip of tea, stand up to stop child pushing another child on account of them having sharing issues, sit down to have a sip of tea, stand up to retrieve child from the top of the climbing frame due to sudden declaration of needing a wee/poo, sit down to drink cold tea’. The only thing that comes out lighter at the end of the session is a purse. The regular gym usage is probably the reason why daddy Wobbles looks like a model off the front cover of Men’s Health and the regular Play Gym usage (and cake eating) is more than likely the reason mummy Wobbles looks more like a  Teletubby on the front of CBeebies Magazine.

Fun Factor – Mummy 65 / Daddy 85

It’s pretty hard to be fun and enthusiastic when your kids have just emptied their entire box of Paw Patrol jigsaw pieces all over the floor for the third time followed by an epic chalking session on the wall. It can be bloody frustrating and stressful at times so we have to be forgiven for not always wanting to build a giant cushion tower and being jumped on whilst the ‘bad’ guys go “POW POW POW! “. When mums are fun we really bloody are, baking cakes, making dinosaurs out of loo rolls, jumping in puddles, painting, and if we’re feeling really crazy we even let the kids mix the Playdoh. So what gives Daddy the edge? Well for one they’re daft as brushes, but they’re also a bit more inclined to take risks, and let’s face it kids love a bit of danger. The first time I saw my husband fling our little boy up in the air I nearly had a pulmonary, but my little boy couldn’t get enough “More, more!” We could probably all learn something from each other, perhaps us mums should be a little more wild and try not turn into the Riskinator (The risk assessment robot), dads maybe you could just adopt a little bit of Riskinators pre risk and safety analysis?

So there you have it, your introduction to the world of Tot Trumps. The only good thing around these days with the word Trump in.

Gem (aka ColleysWobbles)

This post was originally featured on Meet Other Mum’s #mumtribe

meet other mums

Babies, Baby, Children, Comedy, Daddy, Dads, Family, Friends, Funny, Home, Housewife, Living with Kids, Love, Mom, Mommy, Mum, Mummy, Mummy Blogger, Mums, Parent, Parenting, Tidying, Toddler, Toddlers, Uncategorized

The Parent Crap

I love my husband dearly, he’s my rock, and all that lovey dovey blurb… but some nights I want nothing more than to roundhouse him to the floor! (Before you start, I don’t condone violence and I would never actually do it, but imagining it in the style of a Peter Griffin/Family Guy cut away clip makes it ok, right?).

Tonight is a prime example. The two children (I’d once lovingly lugged around like an overweight gorilla for 18 long months, propelled into the world in the most undignified and painful way from my noo noo, and sacrificed my once pert boobs to) have told me more than enough times this evening, “No Mummy I don’t want you I want Daddyyyyyyy!!!” accompanied with a scowl the grumpy cat would be proud of.

Granted, it’s not entirely Daddy’s fault he is awesome and very cuddly, but it still doesn’t stop me from wanting to get all Chuck Norris on his ass!

All I wanted was a cuddle, but instead I got a wriggling octopus with a one word Daddy Dictionary. Grrr!

So yes, I’ll put my hands up and admit it. I’m jealous! How does he do it? Am I doing something wrong? Am I too strict? Is it because I’ve gone back to work and they’re mad at me? Is it because they genuinely don’t love me as much? #mumguilt

In all honestly I don’t know why. I am however starting to realise that life as a family isn’t all Von Trap sing-alongs whilst parading through the meadows hand in hand, and I’d question anyone who said otherwise.

The faultless pictures you see on Instagram aren’t real. Mr and Mrs Perfect’s model family photo frolicking in a strawberry field was probably taken on their twenty second attempt on account of joyful Johnny shoving strawberries up his nose and sweet Susie flashing her knickers for the thirtieth time.

Before we had the boys I remember saying to people “We never argue, we get on so well, we’re best mates, blah blah blah“. Post kids, were still best mates, but argue? We do now. I’m not talking the dramatic Eastenders throwing plates at the wall “Ger art of ma pub!” type arguing, but we do have our disagreements and fall outs like most people. Why? Here’s a bit of parental maths:

cook-offAnother thing that adds to the ‘parent crap’ is the resentment. I never thought I’d resent their Daddy for going to work, but I remember thinking he was staying late at work to check out the hot toned girls who actually had time for the gym (unlike his baby bellied wife). I thought it was his way to avoid the crazy bedtime routine, but in actual reality he was working his backside off to pay bills and keep his job.

On the flip side he resented me for staying at home with his two little boys having all of that time to make memories whilst he was at work. A vicious cycle. The only way to avoid it crumbling is to tell yourself your both in it together. You’re a team. A family team.

So whether my little snot rockets are Daddy’s boys or Mummy’s boys it doesn’t matter, we’re a team, a unit, and they will have our undying love until the day we are no more.

(Seriously though kids, you best start giving me more cuddles or Daddy’s never going to get another cup of tea).

Gem x

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Champagne Super No Way


We’ve had this very posh plonk for nearly a year so it seemed wrong not to drink it on a night away from parental duties. 
Will it be drunk on a yacht whilst bikini clad babes and six pack toned hunks parade their assets whilst listening to the latest funky house beats from a French DJ spotting a man bun and ray bans? 

No, it will be drunk lukewarm from plastic wine glasses in a standard double hotel room (bought through Groupon of course, we’re not made of money you know) whilst watching the Chase and Pointless. Why I hear you ask? Because that’s how we roll, it’s time to wind down, and quite honestly we’ve forgotten what it’s like not to be asked for cheese and juice every two minutes.

Gone are the days of bikini clad yacht posing (although if I’m honest I’ve never done it, the closest I ever got was having a cup of tea on the ferry to Bruges). This is reality, and I’m good with that. 

Cheers everyone! 

Gem x