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Tot Trumps

The title may have led you to believe this is about little people parps; well you can take a sigh of relief as this is not the case (in all honesty I’m not really convinced that would make a great read anyway).

So what do I mean by Tot Trumps? Well you may be familiar with Top Trumps, if not I shall let Wikipedia give you a quick brief;

“Top Trumps is a card game published in 1968. Each card contains a list of numerical data, and the aim of the game is to compare these values to try to trump and win an opponent’s card”Source, Wikipedia

Tot Trumps is exactly the same the only difference is that it relates to all things baby, toddlers, mums and dads.

Baby Vs Toddler Trumps

speed-of-eating-60amount-of-poo-produced-75whinge-level-30questions-asked-0

Speed of eating – Baby 60 / Toddler 20

Once babies have got the gist of the wonder that is food there’s no stopping them, they can’t ram the stuff in quick enough. Granted some of the food doesn’t actually go in their mouths, but they’re trying their best to try all of those new textures and flavours. In stark contrast a toddler, a now esteemed pro, well ish, at food can give a tortoise a run for their money at taking forever to eat their chuffing food. Never before have the words ‘Eat your food’ need to be repeated on such an epic scale, and usually on a morning when you’re rushing to get ready for work.

Poo produced – Baby 75 / Toddler 65

It’s a well known fact that babies and toddlers can produce a fair bit of poo. How such small individuals can produce a dump the abominable snowman would be proud of, I’ll never know. But babies definitely win this round hands down. Their actual amount of bum nuggets may be lesser than that of a toddler, but the impact and explosion factor more than make up for it. When you physically have to cut a baby grow off your tiny child because they’ve formed a blast which could put Hiroshima to shame, the poo to child size ratio definitely outweighs that of a toddlers. When you’ve changed nine nappies before you’ve even stepped out of the door, you know they’re in with a good chance of winning the ‘Shit Machine of the Year Award’.

Whinge level – Baby 30 / Toddler 85

Babies haven’t really mastered the art of whinge, they generally cry more than whinge, but once they hit toddler/threenager age the whinge level is turned to full pelt, and boy do we know about it. What does whinge sound like? Think of Janice from Friends laugh, then times it by 20 and repeat at least 30 times a day. Now that’s annoying, painfully annoying. “I don’t want to eat off that plaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttteeeeeeee, it’s pink, waaaaahhhhhhhhh”; “It’s raining!!Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh!”; “I don’t want a baaaaaaaaaaatttthhhhhh!”; “I don’t want to wear those shooooooeeeeeeessssss!”. If the government bottled enough whinge they could have a serious defence weapon on their hands, parents all around the country would be raking it in. In reality whinge has no effective use other than being seriously fudging annoying.

Questions asked – Baby 0 / Toddler 99

Once again toddlers win this hands down. When they’re not asking a question they are thinking about their next question. If they are unable to think of anymore (as rare as a lunar eclipse) they turn to the trusty filler phrase we all know too well – “Mummmmyyyyy?” / “Daddddddyyyy?” Once those words leave their mouths we know in t-minus 3 seconds there’s going to be a “Can I have a biscuit?”, “Why do cows moo?”, “Can a cat and a dog have babies together?”, “Why is grass green?. We feel the panic, the pressure not to give them a bullshit answer and definitely not the “Just because…” answer (although after the 100th, ok then 50th question of the day this is a completely acceptable response). Google has possibly made most of its earnings based on panicked parents around the world. This is further proven by the fact if you type ‘Why’ in the search box; the first question to come up is ‘Why is the sky blue?’ now that has quizzed and unsure parent written all over it.

Mummy Vs Daddy Trumps

Copy of Speed of eating 60Amount of poo produced 75Whinge level 30Questions asked 0.png

Time to self – Mummy 20 / Daddy 60

What is this time to self thing? It sounds delightful. Once children arrive on the scene time to oneself is, well…limited.  A once very private visit to the porcelain throne is now a social gathering where the kids continuously fetch their detached toy car wheels, dried up Playdoh and usually the loudest VTech toy they can muster for your viewing ‘pleasure’; A hot cup of tea once leisurely sipped whilst relaxing on the sofa watching back to back episodes of ‘Masterchef’ is soon replaced by lukewarm tea drunk in between changing nappies, picking up toys, and watching ‘I Can Cook’. Its official the ‘time to self’ moments for a mummy are not exactly relaxing. During the very the rare moment when the kids nap (after a well deserved fist pump) do mums relax? Nope they do jobs, think washing the car, cleaning the house, painting, jet washing the patio, making the tea, scraping crusty Weetabix off the floor/chair/table etc. It’s a fact that some of us actually go to work for a break, the chance to drink a hot cup of tea and to have a wee in private, ah bliss. So where does Daddy time to self come into this? Well perhaps I should have called this Trump ‘Time spent on the toilet’ (No pun intended). Somehow Daddy’s toilet time is sacred and long, oh so bloody long. Seriously who takes that long to take a dump? In reality I think probably 30% is pooping time and 70% is faffing on phone time, but who can blame them, we all have to have our little pleasures when we can manage to grab them. It’s a fact, daddies can hands down beat baby and toddler in the pooping stakes.

Showers taken – Mummy 40 / Daddy 70

One of the most frustrating things a mum can experience is when Daddy walks in after a day at work and declares “I’m just off for a shower”, all made worse by the fact that mummy has spent all day at home with the kids and has had zero opportunity to get a clean (making a third day Glastonbury reveller look pristine). Poor mum has been waiting all day for that special Timote moment, yet he waltzes in clearly not picking up on the fact flies are now circling her. All to be made worse by the fact he’s going to spend at least 45 long minutes ‘having a poo’ before his rather lengthy shower *Rolls eyes*

Gym membership usage – Mummy 25 / Daddy 75

Happy Days, Cheeky Monkeys, Rascals just a few names of ‘Gyms’ this mummy has stepped into recently. These gyms don’t harbour the weightlifter’s, protein shake drinkers, and the lycra clad toned crew you’d normally associate with the gym, no these contain tired looking parents watching on whilst their children run around and swing on various items like chimps. The closest thing to exercise is the parent squat, ‘sit down to a drink of tea, stand up to go save child dangling from the top of the climbing frame, sit down to have a sip of tea, stand up to stop child pushing another child on account of them having sharing issues, sit down to have a sip of tea, stand up to retrieve child from the top of the climbing frame due to sudden declaration of needing a wee/poo, sit down to drink cold tea’. The only thing that comes out lighter at the end of the session is a purse. The regular gym usage is probably the reason why daddy Wobbles looks like a model off the front cover of Men’s Health and the regular Play Gym usage (and cake eating) is more than likely the reason mummy Wobbles looks more like a  Teletubby on the front of CBeebies Magazine.

Fun Factor – Mummy 65 / Daddy 85

It’s pretty hard to be fun and enthusiastic when your kids have just emptied their entire box of Paw Patrol jigsaw pieces all over the floor for the third time followed by an epic chalking session on the wall. It can be bloody frustrating and stressful at times so we have to be forgiven for not always wanting to build a giant cushion tower and being jumped on whilst the ‘bad’ guys go “POW POW POW! “. When mums are fun we really bloody are, baking cakes, making dinosaurs out of loo rolls, jumping in puddles, painting, and if we’re feeling really crazy we even let the kids mix the Playdoh. So what gives Daddy the edge? Well for one they’re daft as brushes, but they’re also a bit more inclined to take risks, and let’s face it kids love a bit of danger. The first time I saw my husband fling our little boy up in the air I nearly had a pulmonary, but my little boy couldn’t get enough “More, more!” We could probably all learn something from each other, perhaps us mums should be a little more wild and try not turn into the Riskinator (The risk assessment robot), dads maybe you could just adopt a little bit of Riskinators pre risk and safety analysis?

So there you have it, your introduction to the world of Tot Trumps. The only good thing around these days with the word Trump in.

Gem (aka ColleysWobbles)

This post was originally featured on Meet Other Mum’s #mumtribe

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Beauty in to Beast

Like many little girls, Belle was always the Disney princess I aspired to be. Beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful, and kind. Let’s not forget that amazing dress and the fact she got her Prince Charming in the end (Well after a miraculous shave and a crash diet).

So did I turn out to be the beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful and kind Belle? In a word… no, although I’d like to think I’ve mastered the thoughtful and kind element. The other two aspects are very much debatable.

I didn’t get the big swishy dress, but one thing I did manage to do was bag my very own Beast Prince Charming, and I’m happy to report he has much less fur and less bitey teeth. He’s pretty crap at timekeeping and I’m relatively sure he has a mild to medium form of narcolepsy, but all of that aside he’s definitely a keeper.

Life is good, but bloody hell it’s hard and certainly not the fairytale I dreamt of as a young girl. That said I can’t help but wonder what Belle would have been like after she had been married to the Beast for five years with two little mini Beasts in tow.

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Disposing of poopy nappies was not the fairytale Disney princess life Belle expected
So in true Disney style below is my interpretation (with a bit of a Yorkshire twang) of Belle’s song with a more realistic angle. Feel free to sing along.

Belle:

Little house, in a quiet village

Every day like the one before

Little house full of whingey people

Waking up to say…

Little Beasts:

Mummy

Daddy

Mummy

Daddy

Mummy

Belle:

There goes the toddler waking up, like always

The same old whines and moans to yell

Every morning just the same

At 6am mini beasts came

To see a poor tired parents frown

Beast:

Good morning Belle

Belle:

Good morning Daddy, er I mean Beast

Beast:

Where are you off to?

Belle:

Aldi, I need to pick up some strong coffee, nappies, wipes, milk and bread.

Beast:

That’s nice. Can you get me some sandwich meats for lunch? LITTLE BEAST!! Stop poking me in the head

Townsfolk:

Look, there she goes

The lass is strange, no question

Dazed and distracted, can’t you tell?

Man:

Never part of any crowd

Woman:

Cause her head’s up on some cloud

No denying she’s a mummy now, that Belle

Man 1:

Ey up!

Woman 1:

Good day!

Man 1:

How is your family?

Woman 2:

Ey up!

Man 2:

Good day

Woman 2:

How is your wife?

Woman 3:

I need….a Greggs

Man 3:

That’s too expensive! *What Greggs?!

Belle:

There must be more than this abysmal* life!

*Ok so abysmal is a tad extreme but I was struggling to find something to rhyme

Man at the Library:

Ah, Belle

Belle:

Good morning. I’ve come to return the kids book I borrowed

Man at the Library:

Finished already?

Belle:

Yes I’ve read it to them at least a hundred times and they still aren’t bored yet. Please tell me you’ve got something else?

Man at the Library:

Not since yesterday

Belle:

That’s alright. Ok then we’ll borrow this one (After an argument with toddler over said book as it’s not the right colour or size)

Man at the Library:

That one? But you’ve read it twice!

Belle:

What Charlie Cooks Favourite Book? Yes it’s my favourite, I like doing all the voices; my pirate and knight are especially impressive.

Man at the Library:

Well if you like it all that much, it’s yours

Belle:

Really? What actually free? What’s the catch? I mean do you need my email address or something so you can constantly spam me?

Man at the Library:

No catch, I insist!

Belle:

Nice one, ta very muchly!

Townsfolk:

Look, there she goes, that lass is super human

I wonder if she’s feeling well

Men:

She seems a little snappy

Women:

Because her nose is in a nappy

Townsfolk:

She needs to be an octopus that Belle

Belle:

Ewwww…isn’t this disgusting?

It’s my least best part of being mummy

Here’s where I see the bogies

Crusting on my newly washed leggings

On both my knees!

Woman:

Now it’s a wonder why her name means “beauty”

Her looks are fuelled on Zinfandel

Shopkeeper:

But behind that zombie plod

I’m afraid she feels a fraud

Very distant from the rest of us

Group of mums:

She’s struggling like the rest of us

Yes, normal like the rest of us is Belle

The next part is traditionally sung by Gaston and Lefou, but for the purposes of this it shall be sang by the beast and Trevor (yes I totally made that up) his best friend. 

Trevor:

Wow you look knackered Beast. Are you tired?

Beast:

I know, yes I’m exhausted. I’m always working, the kids are non-stop and Belle does not stop nagging at me

Trevor:

Oh dear, it doesn’t sound like the fairytale it used to be

Beast:

I know I still really love her but she just seems to have lost her mojo

Trevor:

Does she not still have that flouncy gold dress?

Beast:

No she mostly lives in snot and food stained clothes and never wears matching bra and knickers.

Trevor:

But she was…

Beast:

The most beautiful girl in town? She was but now she has more hair on her legs than I ever did

Trevor:

That bad huh?

Beast:

Yes well since she had the kids I’ve been put to the bottom of the pile

Trevor:

Go on then tell me about it

Beast:

Right from the moment when the kids were born

The trouser kisses were just shelved

Although I must agree

She makes a nice hot tea

So I need to re-woo and de-hairy Belle

Group of mums:

Look Beast it’s hard to be a mummy

Hey Beast it’s hard to be a wife

Give her a chance, she feels like screaming

It’s not the perfect mummy kind of life!

Man 1:

Ey up

Beast:

My bad!

Man 2:

Good day

Man 3:

By heck!

Matron:

She’s shoving cake in

Woman 1:

You need some wipes!

Man 4:

Some nappies…

Woman 2:

…Two packs!

Man 4:

…Four pound..

Woman 1:

It’s real life

Beast:

There’s too much poo!!

Woman 2:

My head…

Man 5:

Those kids…..

Woman 2:

They’re cute

Man 5:

…They smell of hamsters

Belle:

There must be more than this abysmal* life!

*Once again, a bit harsh, and purely for rhyming slackness

Beast:

I’m so proud to call lovely Belle my wife! (Even if she does look a bit of a bugger and nags a lot)

Belle:

Life as a mum can be a little stressful

Often a challenge not to yell

I used to be quite slim

Pass the tonic and the gin

It’s super being a mummy

Bar the wobbly wibbly tummy

Yes I do love being a mummy…..it’s just swell! (Well most of the time)

And they all lived happishley ever after.

The End
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10 Things Mums Wished Were True

  1. Men love boobs that no longer defy gravity and give sad fried eggs a run for their money.IMG_2062
  2. The bath is the holy grail – a place where no one can interrupt, nag, whinge at or bother you. A no rubber duck zone, only candles, bubbles (of the bath and prosecco type) and chilled anthems allowed.IMG_2064
  3. Un-shaved legs are super sexy. Men love that extra layer of cosiness.IMG_2065
  4. Black leggings are the height of fashion, especially if splattered with sick, bogeys, drool, and any general food remnants.IMG_2058
  5. Saying “No” or “Aah aah aah” will instantly stop any babies/children in their tracks – immediate obedience and mischief is deterred.IMG_2072
  6. Cbeebies is presented by the cast of Magic Mike.IMG_2061
  7. NCT classes and the like offer wine and cake instead of tea and coffee.IMG_2066
  8. All children’s bedroom doors have invisible force fields to prevent any pre 7am visits and parent bed invasions.IMG_2067
  9. Every kitchen has an invisible layer of regenerative cling film on the kitchen floor, so after feeding time you simply whip it away and boom, the mountain of crumbs is gone. No crawling on your hands and knees or dust pans and brushes required.IMG_2068
  10. The TV remote also has a child mode with a volume button (no more wheels on the bus at 6am on a Sunday morning after your first night out with the girls); a pause button (for when you need to get a few jobs done, have a wee, or sit down and enjoy a cuppa without it going cold); a rewind button (to enjoy and re-live those funny and special moments); a fast forward button (to zoom past those whingy, tantruming, and generally difficult moments); a play button (making the children in your life happily sit and play without a single utterance of “That’s mine“, “I was playing with that!“, “Mummy he’s/she’s playing with my toy“); an info button (a synopsis explaining the baby/child’s current mood, thoughts, and feelings); a help button (used to provide useful information on how to resolve any meltdowns and general issues with minimal fuss); and a record button (to make a permanent record of all the magical times we’ve shared with our little people, so we can reminisce in years to come).IMG_2069

We can all keep dreaming can’t we? It’s nice to dream.

Gem x

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A Guide to Cleaning the Bathroom with a Toddler and a Baby

We’ve all been there, the bathroom’s been ignored for too long, and you can no longer stand the sight of the scum that’s forming around the taps, and the bath toys which now seem to be dominating the bath.

I’ve partly ignored mine because the thought of scrubbing round all those awkward nooks and crannies fills me with dread, but more so because I never seem to get the chance having very two active boys following, and watching my every move. However, today like a fearless knight ready to do battle, I’ve donned my marigolds and grabbed the bleach. With two boys in tow, here is my ‘How to’ on cleaning the bathroom with a toddler, and a baby.

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Step One

Parent: Equip yourself with the relevant cleaning paraphernalia, e.g. Bleach, glass cleaner, cloths etc.

Children: Point to the said paraphernalia and continuously ask, ‘What’s that mummy?‘, ‘What’s that one mummy?‘, ‘What about that one mummy?‘.

Step Two

Parent: Place the cleaning products high on a shelf so your little angels can’t reach them. We don’t want any trips to A&E or worse.

Children: Try your very hardest to reach the interesting looking bottles mummy has just put on the shelf, risking life and limb in the process.

Step Three

Parent: Place the baby in the door bouncer so you can see him, and clean in the comfort knowing your toddler isn’t a) sitting on him, b) trying to ride him, or c) smothering him with a teddy. Meanwhile set up the toddlers Thomas the Tank Engine train set (in a very simple oval form, I don’t have all the time in the world you know) in his bedroom. Put a kids playlist from Spotify on, and that should entertain them for the duration of cleaning. Return to the bathroom and the let cleaning commence.

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Children: Baby – Bounce to your hearts content or for about ten minutes until you fall asleep (how can you possibly bounce yourself to sleep?) Get taken by mummy to cot for a snooze.

Toddler – Play with the Thomas track for approximately 4 minutes before asking your mummy for a biscuit. Eat the biscuit, play for another 4 minutes with the occasional Godzilla kick to Thomas and Harold’s carriages. Go into the bathroom and ask ‘What you doing Mummy?‘, ‘Why?‘, ‘Are you a cleaner?‘. Return to playing for another few minutes then threaten to open sleeping brothers bedroom door and wake him up. Get told off by Mummy. Throw a quick tantrum, pick nose, then return to playing trains.

Step Four

Parent: Clean for approximately 10 minutes before having to remove marigolds to recover sleeping baby from his bouncer, and take him to his cot for a nap. Return to clean bathroom for about 4 minutes before having to venture back downstairs to the kitchen for a biscuit for your bottomless pit of a toddler. Return to cleaning, occasionally having to stop to check what the crashing noises from the toddlers room are. Tell toddler to stop acting like Godzilla, and to look after his toys. Return to cleaning for about two minutes, then answer various questions from toddler, ‘I’m cleaning‘, ‘Because after a while things start to get mucky and need cleaning‘, ‘No I’m not a cleaner, but sometimes I feel like I might as well be‘. Return to cleaning only to have to stop and shout ‘No‘ before the toddler wakes his brother up. Deal with a tantrum, then explain why you told the toddler off. Return to cleaning.

Children: Baby – Wake up from short nap and make random shouty noises so mummy will hear me.

Step Five

Parent: Stop cleaning again on account of waking and shouty baby. Cuddle baby then check time realising it’s lunchtime. Hang up cleaning gloves in order to be a chef, and cook lunch for hungry little people. Give little people food, quickly eat some food yourself, clean little faces and hands, then sweep up crumbs and 10% of lunch from floor. Put a bit of CBeebies on for the kids, watch Mr Tumble prat about in various guises whilst you sit and try to enjoy a cup of coffee.

Children: Toddler – Whine ‘I’m hungry‘ at mummy whilst she tries to make lunch. Ask ‘Where’s my lunch?‘ a couple more times just in case she didn’t hear the first five times. Take a few random toys to mummy and ask her to hold them. Get incredibly excited when food is finally ready, then dissect it like a biology student.

Baby – Throw a few random bits of food on the floor then mash a bit of cheese in hair. Screw face up at having face wiped then stare at mummy on her hands and knees whilst cleaning up previous handiwork.

Toddler – Watch Mr Tumble in awe whilst your little brother touches everything on the hearth.

Step Six

Parent: Move baby away from the hearth for what feels like the twentieth time. Finish drinking coffee, decide it’s time for round two of cleaning after over exposure to irritating Cbeebies songs ‘Show me, show me, blah blah blah‘. Set up kids for round two of cleaning. Toddler playing nicely with trains once again, and baby happily playing with annoying ‘I’m a friendly lighter bear‘ toy. Marigolds on cloth in hand time to tackle the rest.

Children: Toddler – ‘Yey! Show Me, Show Me is on. Aww Mummy’s turned it off. Nooo. Oh well more trains. Sounds good to me‘.

Baby – ‘What is this annoying bear thing? You’re a friendly what?

Toddler – Take a huge dump in nappy then proceed to run around mashing it up without announcing it to mummy.

Step Seven

Parent: Whilst cleaning, get a whiff of what can only be described as dog food mixed with turnips and old cabbage. Sniff baby’s bottom like a trained police dog, no sign. Ask toddler if he’s done the deed to be welcomed with denial. Chase after toddler and change said nappy trying hard not to gag. Happily return to the bleach smell in the bathroom and complete cleaning with no further interruptions.

Children: Take various toys into the bathroom and mess room up as soon as it’s been cleaned.

IMG_0737So there you have it, a simple step guide to cleaning your bathroom with a toddler and baby in tow. A stark contrast to the hour it used to take me pre-children. It’s ironic that pre-children, the bathroom was probably in less need of cleaning, but got cleaned twice, if not three times more than a post children bathroom. It just goes to show the lack of opportunity and increased amount of effort that’s required, can really hamper my desire for a sparkly clean bathroom.

It may have taken me half the day, but by George it looks clean now, unfortunately the same can’t be said about the rest of the house.

It’s a constant cycle. Sigh!

Gem x