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The Parent Crap

I love my husband dearly, he’s my rock, and all that lovey dovey blurb… but some nights I want nothing more than to roundhouse him to the floor! (Before you start, I don’t condone violence and I would never actually do it, but imagining it in the style of a Peter Griffin/Family Guy cut away clip makes it ok, right?).

Tonight is a prime example. The two children (I’d once lovingly lugged around like an overweight gorilla for 18 long months, propelled into the world in the most undignified and painful way from my noo noo, and sacrificed my once pert boobs to) have told me more than enough times this evening, “No Mummy I don’t want you I want Daddyyyyyyy!!!” accompanied with a scowl the grumpy cat would be proud of.

Granted, it’s not entirely Daddy’s fault he is awesome and very cuddly, but it still doesn’t stop me from wanting to get all Chuck Norris on his ass!

All I wanted was a cuddle, but instead I got a wriggling octopus with a one word Daddy Dictionary. Grrr!

So yes, I’ll put my hands up and admit it. I’m jealous! How does he do it? Am I doing something wrong? Am I too strict? Is it because I’ve gone back to work and they’re mad at me? Is it because they genuinely don’t love me as much? #mumguilt

In all honestly I don’t know why. I am however starting to realise that life as a family isn’t all Von Trap sing-alongs whilst parading through the meadows hand in hand, and I’d question anyone who said otherwise.

The faultless pictures you see on Instagram aren’t real. Mr and Mrs Perfect’s model family photo frolicking in a strawberry field was probably taken on their twenty second attempt on account of joyful Johnny shoving strawberries up his nose and sweet Susie flashing her knickers for the thirtieth time.

Before we had the boys I remember saying to people “We never argue, we get on so well, we’re best mates, blah blah blah“. Post kids, were still best mates, but argue? We do now. I’m not talking the dramatic Eastenders throwing plates at the wall “Ger art of ma pub!” type arguing, but we do have our disagreements and fall outs like most people. Why? Here’s a bit of parental maths:

cook-offAnother thing that adds to the ‘parent crap’ is the resentment. I never thought I’d resent their Daddy for going to work, but I remember thinking he was staying late at work to check out the hot toned girls who actually had time for the gym (unlike his baby bellied wife). I thought it was his way to avoid the crazy bedtime routine, but in actual reality he was working his backside off to pay bills and keep his job.

On the flip side he resented me for staying at home with his two little boys having all of that time to make memories whilst he was at work. A vicious cycle. The only way to avoid it crumbling is to tell yourself your both in it together. You’re a team. A family team.

So whether my little snot rockets are Daddy’s boys or Mummy’s boys it doesn’t matter, we’re a team, a unit, and they will have our undying love until the day we are no more.

(Seriously though kids, you best start giving me more cuddles or Daddy’s never going to get another cup of tea).

Gem x

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Babies, Parenting, Toddlers

Nobody’s Perfect

About two weeks ago I made an ‘epic fail’ and boy do I know about it. To cut a long story short I had a spray tan, then about four hours later I breastfed my son (dumb I know, but when you’re on auto-pilot and have a serious case of baby brain, what can I say, shit happens), the result a little man with a five o’clock shadow, and a very guilty mummy. After seeing the funny side, I decided to post a picture of my little man on my personal Facebook page. I received an amazing reaction from friends

Literally choked on my cup of tea! It’s a baby Homer Simpson!

This has made my day I do things like this all the time, what a little sweetheart. Love that you shared this, mummy’s everywhere will be smiling as they can fully relate! Bad mummy? never! A mum trying her best to multitask, always!

Great reaction right? So why not make some other parents feel a little bit better about themselves and make a few people laugh in the process? That said, I decided to post the photo onto The Unmumsy Mum Facebook page.

I first discovered The Unmumsy Mum after reading her An Open Letter To The Mum With The Red Coat blog, amazing, so honest and real. A mum that’s normal. Someone who finally admits it’s not all roses. Even though I wasn’t the mum in the red coat, I could also completely put myself in her shoes, as I’m sure most of us can. The Unmumsy Mum nails it (as she always does) when she says ‘We are all in this together‘. We certainly are, we’re all just trying our very hardest to mold the best human beings we can, although with that great responsibility also comes poobombs, puke, pee fountains, crying babies the moment you go into a deep sleep, and toddlers whining about not having their favorite fire engine toy at 6am (thanks son number 1), and that’s only a small percentage of things a parent has to experience. So she had me at hello, I needed to read more. If you haven’t already discovered her, then you know what to do.

I posted the picture on The Unmumsy Mum’s Facebook page along with the below quote;


From one mum to another, I’d like to let you know about my epic fail of fails. Yesterday I had a spray tan, a few hours later I breastfed my little boy. Cue 5 o’clock shadow and a very guilty mummy. Lesson to you all. Don’t do this

What happened next? Absolute craziness. By the end of the day the post had received over 100,000 likes. At that point I was sat literally shaking thinking ‘What have I done?’. Suffice to say I didn’t sleep very well that night. I never for a second expected it to get the reaction it did, and only ever thought it might have got at most 100 likes. If I’d have known that in hindsight would I have still posted it? Yes and no. Yes, on the basis I made a lot of people laugh and realise we all mistakes, not to mention all those mums out there who may have been thinking about getting a spray tan (I’ve saved them the trouble of making the same mistake). No, on the basis that I put my baby out there, his face is worldwide. My little man been judged by thousands of people. I also recieved a fair bit of abuse, a small percentage in comparison to the positive comments though. So what abuse did I receive? A number of people telling me I shouldn’t be allowed to be a parent, I was selfish for getting a spray tan and should spend my time with my boys, I’d intentionally poisoned my son with chemicals, I’m the worst mum in the world, I was a f*&%ing whore, and I’d given him cancer. Some nice folks out there. So let me set you straight folks. I have given life to two gorgeous boys, so I’m sorry I am already a parent, twice, my bad! And you know what I don’t think I’m all that bad. Yes I occasionally forget things, lose my shit, give my eldest (two and a half) one too many biscuits, and occasionally let the CBeebies presenters babysit, but I’d hardly say that constitutes as the worst mum in the world. lf the worst thing I can do is give my baby an unintentional 5 o’clock shadow, I don’t think I’ve done too bad. Especially considering there are crack addict mums out there who don’t see an issue with leaving needles in close proximity to their children. Puts it into perspective doesn’t it? For the ones who said I was selfish for having a spray tan, well god forbid a mum should take a bit of time out for herself. I forgot I should have them both attached by umbilical cord until they reach their 18th birthdays. I love spending time with my boys, but occasionally I need a break, not a crime. One of the recent ‘breaks’ I took was when I jet washed the patio whilst my husband entertained the kids in the garden. Ah pure bliss. Let’s face it when the kids aren’t attached, it’s an opportunity to deal with the pile of dust building on the TV, clean the layers of porridge off the baby’s high chair, and get any general jobs done whilst you have two arms free. So yes, I’m sorry I took twenty minutes out to get a spray tan so I wouldn’t look like a washed out banana in the bright yellow dress I’d bought for a wedding. In regards to the trolls/keyboard warriors. All I can say to you is ‘get a frigging life!’, if the only thing you get kicks from is writing abusive messages to people you know nothing about, then wow I really think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror. I’m really sorry I didn’t react to your messages because you are not worth my time, thought or effort. If this experience has made me realise one thing, it’s that I’m not as soft as I thought I was. Water off a ducks back.

On a more positive note I want to say thank you to all the lovely people out there who sent me messages, made comments, and also shared their ‘epic fail’ stories, and experiences. Other people not afraid to admit we are not perfect. I am so glad I made you laugh, and brightened your day. That was all I ever set out to do, just on a much smaller scale. Never did I think I’d see a day where my face appeared in the Daily Mail, NBC news, or on the brillant lad bible. It was certainly an experience, but now it’s today’s fish and chip shop wrapping and I’m good with that. But I will promise you this, the paper clippings will be coming out for his 21st birthday.

Gem x

Nobody is superior, nobody is inferior, but nobody is equal either. People are simply unique, incomparable, you are you, I am I – Osho

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