Film, Funny, Parenting

Mission Kidpossible: 10 Reasons Why Toddlers Would Make Great Secret Agents

Secret Agents might not all have the same ability as Ethan Hunt climbing an 828m tall building, or the je ne sais quoi of Mr Bond emerging from the sea in ridiculously tiny trunks (I may have re-wound that moment back a few times to check where the beach was, obviously), but we all know they’re out there somewhere doing super top secret stuff to ensure the safety of the nation and to prevent the likes of evil chair wielding cat strokers.

Usually Secret Agents are 21 and over, but what if the information and intelligence gathering duties were passed over to the likes of toddlers? “What?” I hear you cry, well read on and you shall discover why toddlers would make great secret agents.

1. Anyone who owns a toddler in this current day and age will know that they seem to be born with built in technology and swipe intelligence. Whether it’s a phone, a tablet, a tracking device, a radio transmitter, or a Single Digit Sonic Agitator, the kids are all over it.

2. They have supersonic hearing especially when the word chocolate, sweet or anything remotely unworthy of little ears is uttered.

3. Toddlers have the ability to fit and hide into the tightest of spaces. They are best at doing this in busy social situations, any clothes packed sale rails, signs, and doors are a preferred choice of camouflage.

 4. “Awww look at her, look at her wittle chubby chops, she’s soooo cute” BOOOOOOOM! You picked the wrong toddler to get all cutesy with. Cute kids, what a way to lull the enemy into a false sense of security.

5. Deadly poo and farts with the incredible ability to empty a room in t-minus two seconds. How a small person can make a stench a farty pig would be proud of is beyond belief.

6. Nocturnal ability. Night or day, who cares when you’re a toddler, if you want to have a tantrum about a toy helicopter at 4am in the morning then who cares because you’re a toddler and time means sh*t. Night missions, no problem.

7. 20/20 eyesight. The unbelievable ability to spot a toy/sweet/chocolate/train/aeroplane/parent eating chocolate (delete as necessary) from miles away.

8. Fluent in a number of languages, primarily English with a smattering of gobbledygook.

9. Courage, I’m not talking the Lion from The Wizard of Oz courage, I’m talking the no fear when jumping off the top of a table/chair/climbing frame/stairs/bed (the list is endless) kind of courage. This also relates to the courage of not giving an actual damn, for example asking a lady why she’s sat in a wheelchair and why that man’s so fat (cringe).

10. And finally the constant questioning, oh god the constant questioning *grabs wine and takes a glug*. If there’s one thing toddlers are sh*t hot at, it’s asking questions…all of the time.

Imagine the scene

In a room a suspected drug lord is sat across from a intrigued toddler.

Toddler: “What’s a drug lord?“, “What’s a drug lord?“, “What’s a drug lord?“, “What’s a…

Suspected drug lord: “Somebody please stop this kid!

Toddler: “Are you a drug lord?“, “Are you a drug lord?“, “Are you a drug lord?

*The suspected drug lord shakes and wipes the sweat from his brow* 

Toddler: “Are you a drug lord?“, “Are you a drug lord?“, “Are you a drug lord?“, “Are you a drug lord?

Suspected Drug Lord: “YESSSS, someone shut this kid up, I confess, YESSSSS I’m a drug lord!

The struggle is real, being an over questioned parent, not a drug lord obviously.

So there you have it, toddlers would make pretty valuable additions to the secret service no doubt about it. Although you’re not having mine MI5, I’ll put up with the questioning, chocolate/sweets radar, and atomic farts for a little while longer, you can have Mr Bond back.


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83 thoughts on “Mission Kidpossible: 10 Reasons Why Toddlers Would Make Great Secret Agents”

  1. OMG! Think this is my fave so far! I love it. So funny – the interrogation techniques are hilarious and so real! My two can crack me in around 20 seconds: “Just have the fluffing raisins then and don’t eat your tea. It’s fine. I’ll just cook again in an hour!!”

    Brilliant Gem xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s so funny! I really enjoying reading that and you are so accurate with the facts as well. From now on, I will look at toddlers differently.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha ha ha ha, I love this. It is all so true! My baby is only 7 months at the moment but I have a couple of friends with 3 year olds so I know what is to come. My fave question from them so far has been ‘Why has that man got a nose’
    Great post

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This made me laugh so much. Especially the “swipe intelligence” I swear kids are born with it these days?! My one year old has already mastered pressing that middle iPhone button with precision, she will be swiping in no time! Your pictures are great too. #dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

  5. haha! its been such a long time since I had a toddler, I had forgotten most of this stuff lol – very funny! Although Im going to have to grab my wine and take a glug with you because the questions NEVER stop!! and they get harder too… my kids have started to make me feel thick….
    Teen: “Mum, what is Darwins theory of the origin of species?”
    Me: “WHAT??” f**k knows kid… Im doing dinner, go and find dad”
    Me: *quickly googles Darwins bloody theory of the origin of species*
    lol 😉 Brilliant post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! Amazing, always looking for a partner in wine. I’m dreading the maths homework, even from infants. “Errr go ask your dad” 😊 Thanks for the lovely message and so pleased you like it. xx


  6. My toddler would be caught out almost immediately as her ability to think on her feet is dire. Maybe once she reaches three… Although she’s very good at blaming the baby for stuff so maybe she has got something there 😉 Thanks for linking to #chucklemums!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had to drag him out by his ankles, so glad I’d seen him or it would have been a bloody good hiding place resulting in one mummy pooping her pants. I’m so pleased you liked it. X


  7. I LOVE the questioning of the drug Lord and all your pictures. So good! And funny! I also have a spy in my midst… he can sniff breakfast out in an instant! Sharing on twitter loved it #bloggerclubuk

    Liked by 1 person

  8. this has seriously made my day! Funniest read ever! Loved it! The questioning is torturous isn’t it! and yes no fear diving off or climbing anything! #bloogerclubUK

    Liked by 1 person

  9. OMG I was laughing out loud at my mental image of a toddler questioning a drug lord! LOL All of the why’s & he’d surly break under the pressure. Such a fun read lovely. Thanks so much for joining us at #BloggerClubUK

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ha great post! My daughter is definitely under the ‘dangerously cute’ one. Even after I get angry at her, she beams me a smile, knowing completely (at 15 months old) that she has me wrapped around her little finger. #fartglitter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah the wrapping around the finger trick, yes I’m familiar with this too with both of my little boys. Butter wouldn’t melt 😊 I’m so pleased you like the post and thank you for the comment. Gem x


  11. Hahaha I love this, it is so true! Little R has started throwing herself off the sofa completely out of the blue so I completely feel this! Everything is so true, maybe I need to look at Little R as amazing instead of as a pain in the bum! #fartglitter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too they are totally to blame. Us girls don’t do those kinds of things 😊 but if we did they’d sparkle 😂 I’m so pleased you liked it thank you for your lovely comment. X


  12. Oh gosh reading your post, makes me want to keep my 11-month old an 11-month old. Already she is swiping my phone and iPad, and knows how to swipe – she has seen too much technology. Plus she already knows how to clear a room with her baby trumps! It sounds like you have your hands full, which much make life chaotic but also fun too. There’s always wine at the end of the day. Thanks so much for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This is so funny and so true! I believe my toddler does all of these things and therefore would make a fabulous secret agent. I especially love your mention of questioning. It really is like an interrogation. #FartGlitter

    Liked by 1 person

  14. This is brilliant! So clever and recognisable! Oh the night missions, yep not a problem. And the submission by questioning is so funny…some days I can feel myself just about to explode with another bout of the same set of questions, I would probably confess to anything. And what is with the weird hearing!? If someone even so much as whispers custard my toddler is ON THEM! Fab post, really made me smile xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lucy, what a lovely message. I love that your toddler is obsessed with custard, they would have loved Noel’s House Party or SMTV back in the day it was custard galore 😂 So pleased I made you smile xxx


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